I only have a few minutes, because I need to go wake up Luke but just a quick update...
I've been so, tired, lately. Exhausted. Depressed.
I'm sure it would do me good to go back to seeing someone, but at the same time, I just don't feel like I can connect to anyone that isn't my old therapist from high school. And of course, she's retired.
But I still have prozac, so I decided to take that again until I'm all out. I think I have about 20 pills. Maybe it will do enough to get me up there.
I want to do Luke's 1 year pictures soon. I was thinking of today, but it's all snowy out and the lighting in here is awful without sunlight.
I should have napped with Luke. Ah well. Too late now, lol. I'll probably go to bed early, day off tomorrow. Woo.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
So sad
Precious, wonderful, amazing baby Carter has passed away today.
From his mommy:
"I've been trying to think of what to write, but nothing makes sense to me right now and the words just can't come together to describe what I am feeling right now. Thank you everyone for you amazing support, we cannot thank you enough.
And to my Carter
I love you more than I can express, and I miss you so much already. My arms are aching to hold you once more, I feel so lost without you. My dush, my professor, my boy. You are so amazingly strong, and had every right to be tired. You are a brave hero and you are able to sleep peacefully now, and being pain free is helping mommy and daddy so much.
Until we meet again my dear boy. I love you forever and for always"
I'm so sad. And so blessed to have such a healthy, wonderful little boy.
We are releasing balloons on his birthday, March 19th, at 5:36pm. Join us. He deserves to be remembered.
From his mommy:
"I've been trying to think of what to write, but nothing makes sense to me right now and the words just can't come together to describe what I am feeling right now. Thank you everyone for you amazing support, we cannot thank you enough.
And to my Carter
I love you more than I can express, and I miss you so much already. My arms are aching to hold you once more, I feel so lost without you. My dush, my professor, my boy. You are so amazingly strong, and had every right to be tired. You are a brave hero and you are able to sleep peacefully now, and being pain free is helping mommy and daddy so much.
Until we meet again my dear boy. I love you forever and for always"
I'm so sad. And so blessed to have such a healthy, wonderful little boy.
We are releasing balloons on his birthday, March 19th, at 5:36pm. Join us. He deserves to be remembered.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
People are just rude
Chris and I had a good friend.
And she just cut her out of her life today without even a small, little explanation.
What the hell is up with that?
Frankly, it just pisses me off. Part of me is a little relieved, because I was feeling anxious sometimes around her, but still. It's just unfair. I feel bad for Chris. I basically forced his hand into him not being able to talk to the other girl, and now this happens to him? He was just saying how there's this bowling league at work, but he doesn't know if he really wants to put all kinds of effort into that. But maybe I can convince him. It might be good for him to go relax one night a week.
We bought a new mattress earlier this week, and just received it today! I'm so excited to sleep on it! It's so much fluffier then our last plank of effing wood! I can hear it calling it to me now as I sit and type this. If I didn't have Luke, the chances of me getting up and out of that thing would be slim. Very, very slim.
Speaking of Luke... something is wrong with his eye and it is pissing me off to no end. The doctor had said to make an appointment at the end of the week if it wasn't 100% better. But it was! For apparently a DAY! It's all back and shit now and it's not cool. So I have to call on Monday and make one. I better get him in immediately to or I shall scream. Ugh.
Now however, it is time to go feed Luke his bedtime bottle, make some popcorn, and snuggle up in our new mattress and watch a movie. Normally we would sit in the living room and watch Battlestar Galactica, but why the hell would we ignore our new mattress?! That's just crazy talk.
Goodnight good people.
And she just cut her out of her life today without even a small, little explanation.
What the hell is up with that?
Frankly, it just pisses me off. Part of me is a little relieved, because I was feeling anxious sometimes around her, but still. It's just unfair. I feel bad for Chris. I basically forced his hand into him not being able to talk to the other girl, and now this happens to him? He was just saying how there's this bowling league at work, but he doesn't know if he really wants to put all kinds of effort into that. But maybe I can convince him. It might be good for him to go relax one night a week.
We bought a new mattress earlier this week, and just received it today! I'm so excited to sleep on it! It's so much fluffier then our last plank of effing wood! I can hear it calling it to me now as I sit and type this. If I didn't have Luke, the chances of me getting up and out of that thing would be slim. Very, very slim.
Speaking of Luke... something is wrong with his eye and it is pissing me off to no end. The doctor had said to make an appointment at the end of the week if it wasn't 100% better. But it was! For apparently a DAY! It's all back and shit now and it's not cool. So I have to call on Monday and make one. I better get him in immediately to or I shall scream. Ugh.
Now however, it is time to go feed Luke his bedtime bottle, make some popcorn, and snuggle up in our new mattress and watch a movie. Normally we would sit in the living room and watch Battlestar Galactica, but why the hell would we ignore our new mattress?! That's just crazy talk.
Goodnight good people.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Heartbreaking
Carter was found to have tumors wrapped around his spine. It's so sad. Everyone decided to put the projects of cards and such on hold for now, to give space. He may not make it this time. In order to get chemo, he needs to recover from the brain surgery, and he may not last long enough for that. But the updates we are seeing, he seems to be okay.
In news of my life, things are going well. I just put down a deposit on the hall tonight for Luke's (and Jordans and Abbys) birthday party. I can't believe my baby will be a year old. So far I feel completely alone in planning this. It doesn't really fully surprise me, but it's irritating.
I have a headache. This stupid Mirena I got isn't making my periods go away. They are lighter, yes, but I get horrible headaches and cramps now.
Time to get back to life.
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Tragedies
When I got pregnant with Luke I joined a birth club on babycenter. It was awesome to go through my pregnancy with people due in the same month and get to know them.
A few weeks after they were born, we started a facebook group for March mommies. And eventually that split into several smaller groups. I am now apart of more then I can count. But I got closer to a lot of people. Just recently got one phone number, and that's nice too. :)
But one of the mommies, her sweet, sweet baby boy was diagnosed Acute Myeloid Leukemia. It is a fairly rare cancer, and generally found in adults. Very rare below age 40, and usually around age 60.
He was diagnosed around 3 months of age.
After undergoing 5 rounds of chemo, and basically living in the hospital for 7 months, baby Carter was released to go home, in remission, right before Christmas! How happy is that?
Two nights ago, they took him to the hospital because he was having some problems. After some tests they discovered a tumor covering 1/4 of his brain! He went into surgery that lasted about 6 hours, and they were able to remove a good chunk of it.
This morning, he was able to breathe on his own again, and was cuddling up to his giraffe. That just warms my heart. I have been following this sweet, sweet baby through this, and it's horrible. No one deserves that. His mom is so wonderful, and so strong. And Carter is a fighter! He smiled his way through fighting Leukemia, and I know he'll fight through this too!
A whole bunch of us are putting things together for them. Birthday cards, a teddy bear, etc. I'm so excited. I feel like crying in happiness in the support we have for this.
Another tragedy from another mommy has occured. It appears her boyfriend shook her sweet little girl so hard as to cause retina swelling and damage. We don't know how well she's fairing at this time. It's absolutely awful. Then it appears she was lying and covering it up! And they are both still sticking to saying she fell off the bed! But there is NO WAY the injuries in those pictures is from falling off the bed! (Of which she looks MISERABLE in!)
It makes me sick that Megan, Carter's mom, is by her child's hospital bedside more then she has him at home, and this person can let such harm come to her child. It makes me sick.
My brain is going crazy now, trying to organize everything for Carter. PLUS I'm cross-stitching a piece that has two hearts and his name on it.
Luke's crying. Bedtime bottle time! Goodnight!
A few weeks after they were born, we started a facebook group for March mommies. And eventually that split into several smaller groups. I am now apart of more then I can count. But I got closer to a lot of people. Just recently got one phone number, and that's nice too. :)
But one of the mommies, her sweet, sweet baby boy was diagnosed Acute Myeloid Leukemia. It is a fairly rare cancer, and generally found in adults. Very rare below age 40, and usually around age 60.
He was diagnosed around 3 months of age.
After undergoing 5 rounds of chemo, and basically living in the hospital for 7 months, baby Carter was released to go home, in remission, right before Christmas! How happy is that?
Two nights ago, they took him to the hospital because he was having some problems. After some tests they discovered a tumor covering 1/4 of his brain! He went into surgery that lasted about 6 hours, and they were able to remove a good chunk of it.
This morning, he was able to breathe on his own again, and was cuddling up to his giraffe. That just warms my heart. I have been following this sweet, sweet baby through this, and it's horrible. No one deserves that. His mom is so wonderful, and so strong. And Carter is a fighter! He smiled his way through fighting Leukemia, and I know he'll fight through this too!
A whole bunch of us are putting things together for them. Birthday cards, a teddy bear, etc. I'm so excited. I feel like crying in happiness in the support we have for this.
Another tragedy from another mommy has occured. It appears her boyfriend shook her sweet little girl so hard as to cause retina swelling and damage. We don't know how well she's fairing at this time. It's absolutely awful. Then it appears she was lying and covering it up! And they are both still sticking to saying she fell off the bed! But there is NO WAY the injuries in those pictures is from falling off the bed! (Of which she looks MISERABLE in!)
It makes me sick that Megan, Carter's mom, is by her child's hospital bedside more then she has him at home, and this person can let such harm come to her child. It makes me sick.
My brain is going crazy now, trying to organize everything for Carter. PLUS I'm cross-stitching a piece that has two hearts and his name on it.
Luke's crying. Bedtime bottle time! Goodnight!
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Application
I applied for a new job. It's at Chris' work, sort of. A different location. But it would be a better position then I'm in now, and a better company to work for.
I went to Roni's for Gracelynn's birthday party tonight. It wasn't that bad. My dad and Nancy (soon to be stepmother) gave me my birthday present which was a lunch box and a first aid kit. It's nice. Then I asked them about borrowing some money so I could buy Luke cloth diapers so we can save on diaper spending.
They gave me $120!
The diapers I like are about $16 per cover, and then $3 for an insert. You can literally use one cover for an entire day, and you just keep changing the insert. So if I buy 4 or 5 covers, and then a ton of inserts, and I should easily be able to keep him in cloth at least on my two days off every week.
Chris had a talk with his boss the other night about what he wanted with his future, and he talked about meat cutting.
Within the next 6 months he has a VERY good chance at being one.
It makes me happy to think we may have a good future soon.
Other then that, I don't have much to talk about right now.
Overall, I'm in a good mood. We are getting a good amount back for taxes, and are going to be able to be able to get my $4300 credit card down to only about $800! YAY!!! I'm excited, so far, 2012 isn't so bad. Let's hope that lasts.
I went to Roni's for Gracelynn's birthday party tonight. It wasn't that bad. My dad and Nancy (soon to be stepmother) gave me my birthday present which was a lunch box and a first aid kit. It's nice. Then I asked them about borrowing some money so I could buy Luke cloth diapers so we can save on diaper spending.
They gave me $120!
The diapers I like are about $16 per cover, and then $3 for an insert. You can literally use one cover for an entire day, and you just keep changing the insert. So if I buy 4 or 5 covers, and then a ton of inserts, and I should easily be able to keep him in cloth at least on my two days off every week.
Chris had a talk with his boss the other night about what he wanted with his future, and he talked about meat cutting.
Within the next 6 months he has a VERY good chance at being one.
It makes me happy to think we may have a good future soon.
Other then that, I don't have much to talk about right now.
Overall, I'm in a good mood. We are getting a good amount back for taxes, and are going to be able to be able to get my $4300 credit card down to only about $800! YAY!!! I'm excited, so far, 2012 isn't so bad. Let's hope that lasts.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Trusting
If there is, for some odd reason, some person out there reading this, this entry may cause you to think I'm a little nuts. That's okay with me though. I accepted my crazyness many moons ago.
So every once in awhile, I get this weird feeling, like somethings going to... happen, that day. Best examples: every single time I have gotten pulled over by a cop, I have woken up with this feeling. It's just a feeling down in the bottom of my gut that eats at me. Just a "something is off" feeling.
This also happened a few weeks ago on a morning I left for work and Chris was home. I won't go into details about any of it, just in case someone that shouldn't read it comes across this somehow. But I woke up and left for work that morning with this feeling sitting there, and I got home to discover something bad.
Do I completely, and 100% trust my husband right now? No, it's probably more of an 85%. There has just been too many things, one after another, for that to be sitting at a full bar. Are we working on it? Yes.
Now I'm saying this because that feeling was there again today, and while nothing BAD happened, like the last time, there was still a feeling of secrecy there. It ended up being nothing. I wish I could go into more details, but that's truly and honestly not an option. I just wanted to state that this feeling throws me through a loop, and I don't like it.
And this is why I didn't really like the situation with her. That feeling was constantly, always there. I wanted to rip out my stomach and make it go away. It's not like I'm sitting here saying I'm some kind of weird psychic or something. I'd probably hate my life if that were true. But I just hate having a feeling randomly. There's been false alarms, and sometimes I work it up into more then it is.
But I just really do not like secrets being kept from me because of this. I sit there all day feeling out of sorts, and then I come home to Chris, and I can obviously tell he isn't telling me something, because he plain old sucks at lying, it BUGS me. It makes me out of my mind CRAZY. He tells me he doesn't think I can handle an open, honest relationship, because I can't handle some of the things he thinks. THAT makes me nervous.
I know he is restless, and I hope it's something that's going to pass soon enough. I just need to sit back and wait. Life is so much better since she isn't in the picture anymore. It's been, what, just short of a month, and we haven't fought or gotten angry AT ALL. Where as when we were dealing with her we came close to separating several times.
I have so much pent up crap about that whole situation. I don't want to get into it too much though, and bore anyone. It may come out sometimes though.
I might as well go get some sleep now. Work at 7 in the morning, and I just plain don't want to.
Oh, I live only for the day that I can quit this hell of a job.
Goodnight.
So every once in awhile, I get this weird feeling, like somethings going to... happen, that day. Best examples: every single time I have gotten pulled over by a cop, I have woken up with this feeling. It's just a feeling down in the bottom of my gut that eats at me. Just a "something is off" feeling.
This also happened a few weeks ago on a morning I left for work and Chris was home. I won't go into details about any of it, just in case someone that shouldn't read it comes across this somehow. But I woke up and left for work that morning with this feeling sitting there, and I got home to discover something bad.
Do I completely, and 100% trust my husband right now? No, it's probably more of an 85%. There has just been too many things, one after another, for that to be sitting at a full bar. Are we working on it? Yes.
Now I'm saying this because that feeling was there again today, and while nothing BAD happened, like the last time, there was still a feeling of secrecy there. It ended up being nothing. I wish I could go into more details, but that's truly and honestly not an option. I just wanted to state that this feeling throws me through a loop, and I don't like it.
And this is why I didn't really like the situation with her. That feeling was constantly, always there. I wanted to rip out my stomach and make it go away. It's not like I'm sitting here saying I'm some kind of weird psychic or something. I'd probably hate my life if that were true. But I just hate having a feeling randomly. There's been false alarms, and sometimes I work it up into more then it is.
But I just really do not like secrets being kept from me because of this. I sit there all day feeling out of sorts, and then I come home to Chris, and I can obviously tell he isn't telling me something, because he plain old sucks at lying, it BUGS me. It makes me out of my mind CRAZY. He tells me he doesn't think I can handle an open, honest relationship, because I can't handle some of the things he thinks. THAT makes me nervous.
I know he is restless, and I hope it's something that's going to pass soon enough. I just need to sit back and wait. Life is so much better since she isn't in the picture anymore. It's been, what, just short of a month, and we haven't fought or gotten angry AT ALL. Where as when we were dealing with her we came close to separating several times.
I have so much pent up crap about that whole situation. I don't want to get into it too much though, and bore anyone. It may come out sometimes though.
I might as well go get some sleep now. Work at 7 in the morning, and I just plain don't want to.
Oh, I live only for the day that I can quit this hell of a job.
Goodnight.
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