Trusting

If there is, for some odd reason, some person out there reading this, this entry may cause you to think I'm a little nuts. That's okay with me though. I accepted my crazyness many moons ago.

So every once in awhile, I get this weird feeling, like somethings going to... happen, that day. Best examples: every single time I have gotten pulled over by a cop, I have woken up with this feeling. It's just a feeling down in the bottom of my gut that eats at me. Just a "something is off" feeling.

This also happened a few weeks ago on a morning I left for work and Chris was home. I won't go into details about any of it, just in case someone that shouldn't read it comes across this somehow. But I woke up and left for work that morning with this feeling sitting there, and I got home to discover something bad.

Do I completely, and 100% trust my husband right now? No, it's probably more of an 85%. There has just been too many things, one after another, for that to be sitting at a full bar. Are we working on it? Yes.

Now I'm saying this because that feeling was there again today, and while nothing BAD happened, like the last time, there was still a feeling of secrecy there. It ended up being nothing. I wish I could go into more details, but that's truly and honestly not an option. I just wanted to state that this feeling throws me through a loop, and I don't like it.

And this is why I didn't really like the situation with her. That feeling was constantly, always there. I wanted to rip out my stomach and make it go away. It's not like I'm sitting here saying I'm some kind of weird psychic or something. I'd probably hate my life if that were true. But I just hate having a feeling randomly. There's been false alarms, and sometimes I work it up into more then it is.

But I just really do not like secrets being kept from me because of this. I sit there all day feeling out of sorts, and then I come home to Chris, and I can obviously tell he isn't telling me something, because he plain old sucks at lying, it BUGS me. It makes me out of my mind CRAZY. He tells me he doesn't think I can handle an open, honest relationship, because I can't handle some of the things he thinks. THAT makes me nervous.

I know he is restless, and I hope it's something that's going to pass soon enough. I just need to sit back and wait. Life is so much better since she isn't in the picture anymore. It's been, what, just short of a month, and we haven't fought or gotten angry AT ALL. Where as when we were dealing with her we came close to separating several times.

I have so much pent up crap about that whole situation. I don't want to get into it too much though, and bore anyone. It may come out sometimes though.

I might as well go get some sleep now. Work at 7 in the morning, and I just plain don't want to.

Oh, I live only for the day that I can quit this hell of a job.

Goodnight.